Permission to Say No

I had lunch with a new friend a few weeks ago – our kids are classmates, we live just a few blocks away from one another, we both have flexible work schedules, and we also share the same first name. Just as I sat down, she thanked me for something I had mentioned during one of our first interactions. Apparently I had told her that with 3 kids, we just tend to skip most birthday parties. 

Now before you write me off as the fun police, let me explain myself. I love birthdays and I of course love a celebration but spending our weekends split up serving as a birthday party chauffeur for my kids to spend more time with the kids they already spend all week with is not how I want to spend the 2 days we have together every week. And also if I’m really being honest, I really dread dealing with the junkyard of goodie bag contents. (I am definitely a card-carrying member of the knick knack police.)

My kids, my husband, and I spend a big chunk of the school and work week apart from one another. Our mornings are rushed, and the after school routine isn’t all that relaxing either. My husband often doesn’t make it home for dinner so our family time during the week is quite limited, so unless it is their best friend’s birthday, our default RSVP is a no.

All decisions have tradeoffs. We haven’t gotten to know some of our kids’ classmates’ parents as well without this social channel, but there are plenty of other school events that bring us together. Plus as our kids have gotten older most birthday parties have evolved into just drop off affairs.

I am sure we will revisit this policy as our kids get older and are more aware of social dynamics among their friends. However, for now I’m grateful for their innocence and ignorance and that they let me hoard this family time together. I know the years where they’re still eager to hang out with their parents and each other will have an expiration date in the not-so-distant future.

I share all of this not because I think you or anyone should stop attending birthday parties; that certainly wasn’t the advice I was passing on when I mentioned that we’re just not a birthday party family to my friend. But by sharing one of the things I say no to, I gave her the freedom to skip something she was doing out of social obligation. She told me her weekends are so much freer now since they’ve adopted the same approach.

We all fall into traps of doing certain things out of expectation – sometimes social but often it’s self-imposed – but we only have so much time and space in our lives. You don’t need it, but if you’d like it, I give you the same permission to say no to whatever it is that’s just not serving you and trade it in for something that brings you more meaning and joy.

A younger me would have had more FOMO about skipping a party but middle-aged me understands a no to one thing is a yes to something else that I want to do more.

What is something you’re trying to say no to? I’d love to know.

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